Every year, we are inundated with perpetually smug ‘Thanksgiving dinner survival guides’ for overly sensitive, safe-space needing progressives from Leftist rags like Salon and Slate. Inevitably there is always some crazy redneck uncle in a tinfoil hat, wearing flannel over his ‘No Fat Chicks’ t-shirt who is armed with several giant guns and who just so happens to be a Trump supporter at the dinner table.
Ok, maybe the t-shirt says something like, ‘Save the Whales, Harpoon a Fat Chick,’ but you get the gist. The uncle is always some HORRIBLE racist, sexist, bigot who chews and makes his more sensitive nephews cry, and THAT’S why they need a survival guide.
Yeah, it’s stupid.
But on that note, I started thinking about surviving Thanksgiving with annoying green-penis Liberals at the dinner table and you know what, we don’t have nearly enough survival guides for THAT. So I present you with a Conservative’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving Dinner.
- Drink. Drink heavily. Drink a lot. Start drinking EARLY.
- If you carry, be sure at some point to take your unloaded weapon out and clean it at the dinner table; hey, if these morons think you’re a crazy redneck anyway you might as well have a little fun with them.
- Eat meat. LOTS of meat. In fact, put meat on TOP of your meat and then ask for some extra meat to eat on the side. And then when you think you’ve eaten all the meat you can … eat more meat.
- Come prepared with at least a dozen really good Hillary Clinton jokes to tell during dessert. The more sexist, the BETTER.
- Remind them how much more you pay for health insurance under Obamacare – at least three times.
- PRAY before dinner and you know what, PRAY before dessert too.
- Use traditional pronouns like ‘he’ and ‘she’ only, and make sure to put an emphasis on said pronouns in each and every conversation.
- Carry a small bottle of air freshener with you … you never know how long it’s been since your niece or nephew who believes we are literally KILLING the planet by using too much water has taken a shower.
- When your Liberal brother-in-law who quit his job because he didn’t want to keep funding the ‘American capitalistic war machine’ starts complaining about the fundamental problems with the Constitution, be prepared with a few various hand gestures. These include:
- Playing the world’s smallest violin
- ‘Blah blah blah’ open and close
- Obligatory ‘jerk off’ motion
- Subtle middle finger, which may take some practice.
- Last of all, and most importantly, keep your sense of humor and stay outta jail.
All of this being said, probably the reason we don’t see more ‘survival guides’ for Conservatives during the holidays is that we’re not all a bunch of pansies who throw temper tantrums and cry when people disagree with us.
Because you know, we’re adults.